Fickle Local Toddler Discovers Shadow

Billy Crandle, a three year old from Bellevue, WA lived up to his hype this past Tuesday morning when he recognized his shadow while playing in his four foot by three foot sandbox, or as he refers to it, "sandy." Billie has noticed a second figure in the sand before when the sun is out, but this was the first time he saw how he can control the mysterious black glob. Moving one arm up and down like a tiny broken windmill he noticed how the glob copied him exactly. He became giddy and started jumping up and down, following his shadow with his eyes. According to Jim McClusky, the telephone-line repairman for the Crandle’s subdivision, Billy then lost interest by 10:14 am, only three minutes after his miniature decrepit windmill impersonation began.

Job Search Postponed For Bear Hunt

Brian Malloy has reluctantly stopped searching for a job to assist the townsfolk in capturing a renegade grizzly bear. Koolie The Bear escaped the Twin Cherries Circus Thursday night after a nine pm performance. According to Benjamin Fountleroy, Koolie’s handler, the nine-foot animal was “aggravated” by some teenagers fighting their shadows on the back wall of the tent. “Koolie seemed very disturbed by such small creatures having so much courage against such large creatures. And really, who can blame him, what kind of moron picks on his own shadow?”

Brian says, that this bear hunt couldn’t have come at a better time, “thank g-d bears are so dumb and vicious, I was getting a bit fed up with all the resume formats.” Brian does not totally agree with the mob’s vision however, which is to find the bear and then beat it ‘like it was our own useless good-for-nothing shadows.’

CONsignment

There are a lot of groups being blamed for the current credit collapse : The government didn't regulate enough, the traders were too risky, the consumers were ignorant. Well one group evading the harsh steady-eyed criticism of Anderson Jones and the like are consignment shops. What do consignment shops have to do with the the state of our finances? Oh, I'm not really sure, only like everything (patronizing tone).

To see how they are to blame you have to see how they benefit, their motive. What happens when someone defaults on their mortgage? Where does the furniture go? I think you already know Einstein. Secondly, where do people shop when they're hard up for cash? You starting to pick it up yet, moron? What, you're sick of me talking down to you (aggresive tone) ? You have enough to worry about with losing your retirement account and stubbing your toe on the coffee table you don't even like, without some punk being a jerk via a fake article?

Well guess what? This is exactly how the CEOs of Salvation Army, Value Village and all the other corporate jerks want you to feel. They want you to turn on me and all the others trying to educate in an obnoxious manner to get you idiots to finally wake up.

Conversation Rescued From Figurative Abyss

At 12:39 pm/am the conversation between Bill Bengall and Steve Eidelman was saved by a quick series of moves orchestrated by Bill and Steve. From 12:31 to 12:36 the conversation progressed smoothly with each member smiling at least three times and Steve showing off those prestigious dimples like he does. At that point, however, there was a lull, which turned into a pause, which progressed back into a lull. The conversation was falling faster than the dow jones of America when the two seasoned conversers grabbed their conversing paddles, defying conversation physics to bring the conversation back to the surface of conversation land.

Two hours later Steve punched a kitten.

Volunteer Extending for Back-up Regional Manager Emails

Edward C. Billiams isn't going home for a while. Why? Simply because there is always someone behind someone who is there. He likes that security, digressing, "sometimes its Kate Kochesburger, sometimes its Lani, sometimes its Lynn Vista, it doesn't really matter, all that matters is that its always someone, always someone."

What gives Edward this sense of security? Emails. A constant, never-ending, unrelenting stream of electronic mail. "I don't ever write it down, but I always make a mental note who the week's BRM is, and having that mental note, cuts my tylenol pm intake down 20 to 25% I'd say."

Continuing, "you know, I was sorta on the fence about extending, but the other day it just hit me. I guess you could call it an epiphany moment, I won't because I'm not that pompous, but if you want to, sure, do it. When else am I gonna be in a work environment with this kind of attention to back-ups? The truth is I don't know as I've never really been in another work environment, but I'm not about to take my chances."

Mr. Billiams is a fan of backups in all walks of life, having loved how the pitcher would back-up the catcher on throws from the outfield during little league. What grace he would think, while occasionally neglecting his duty as third-baseman to cover his bag.

Filipina Sets Record

Rosa Patron, 32 of Bula, Camarines Sur, Set the world record for smallest distance between stops on a public transportation vehicle on January 5, 2008. Mrs. Patron, mother of 8, broke the previous record of 2’2” held by Jim McKlusky of Neck Creek, Idaho when she got out of a Jeepney only 1’7” past the previous stop (the request to “para” was made at 1’2” but the driver took nearly half a foot to turn her wish into a reality). Mr. McKlusky was gracious in defeat, especially considering it’s the only thing he’s ever won, “I tip my hat to her man, you know, not a lot of people have the gumption and laziness for that kinda move. Darn, I thought I was the best, the most gumption and laze-filled being to ever ride public transportation. Ah well, there’s always yelling at the birds in the park, no foreigner can take that away.” At her award ceremony, January 18th, Mrs. Patron thanked her husband and the Catholic Church for “keeping me always pregnant and therefore unable to walk long distances.”

Young Woman Not Admitting Defeat

Maria Corazon, 15, of Bato Camarines Norte, Philippines, refuses to admit that she is now “it.” Having started a game of hide and seek with The Sun four years ago she has taken every precaution since to avoid it. “When I was eleven I realized I wanted to be beautiful like Julia Roberts, not dark like the woman who owns the tindahan on my street. Since then I have been able to sneakily circumvent The Sun by moving in others’ shadows, other times distracting it by pretending to throw a tennis ball. Different stuff.” Maria slipped up last Tuesday at 2pm when she went outside to see her crush Willy Santiago walk down the street in his casual manner, which implies, look at me, don’t look at me, whatever, I’m just doing my thing. Maria, however, refuses to admit to any B12 in her system, “look at me, I’m as white an angel in a blizzard. And I’m gonna stay that way even if it means only seeing Willy’s nonchalant strut when I happen to be sitting near the window. Yeah, I’ll just stay by the window. I’ll just have to buy that anti-reflection stuff they have in Phil-Cabs. This interview has really helped me sort some stuff out. Thanks.” Maria might be “it,” but you’ve got to hand it to her, she sure knows how to evade direct questions.