Criminal Mastermimes

Worldwide Constable Jeffrey Atkins isn’t sleeping well these days. What’s keeping him up you may ask to yourself? Illegal Miming. Yes, the newest threat to peace and stability is the 2,000 year old art of mute theatre.

Gangs of white-faced ruffians cruise streets of Latin American and Alaskan villages preying on those unaccustomed to the French and Greek-inspired drama. Staging hold-ups, assault and even rape, the thugs are able to inflict immense amounts of harm with small amounts of materials.

The strangest illicit act as of yet reported happened in the town of Guadalajara, Mexico, where a young and talented mime convinced an adolescent boy that he had taken away the bread the boy was holding, and then commenced to butter it. The boy could see the butter-less bread still in his hand, yet the performance was so convincing, he got sick from lactose intolerance upon eating the bread.

Attny Juan Jimenez of the Mexico City Bar Association says, “We are at least a decade away from even having the necessary statutes in place to prosecute these delinquent followers of Marcel Marceau, so my advice is, just go nuts on them you know?” Esquire Jimenez went on, “Though be careful not to mess ‘The Crow’ followers, those guys are by and large, pretty good guys.”

Studies conducted by Constable Atkins imply that if mime simulation is unavailable due to a dirge of white face paint, charades acts as a modestly acceptable preventable measure. Without such steps, your car could easily be pulled by a man with an invisible lasso.