Jim Strumilski, a 46 year old carpenter won the “smart-man’s lottery,” also known as nothing Tuesday, September 18th. Having never played the lottery Jim was one of over 500 million entrants in the unlottery lottery. Analysts estimate that Jim has saved between $12-15,000 based on his race, sexual inclination, age he lost his virginity, shoe size and computer monitor brand.
Upon hearing he saved all this money Jim responded, “I’ve always thought of myself as a lucky guy, but this… I just thank the lord for the 7,000 days or so I never felt the need to aggrandize the telephone number of my sister or the number of testicles that I have, which is 2 by the way, by assuming they are burning bushes sent to allow my dream of an indoor mini-golf course to come to fruition.
In addition to the cash-money Jim also received gallons of figurative lost hope, which he has mostly used up on his unreciprocated feelings toward Colgate brand toothpaste.
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