highpretension

Fickle Local Toddler Discovers Shadow

2008-12-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

Billy Crandle, a three year old from Bellevue, WA lived up to his hype this past Tuesday morning when he recognized his shadow while playing in his four foot by three foot sandbox, or as he refers to it, "sandy." Billie has noticed a second figure in the sand before when the sun is out, but this was the first time he saw how he can control the mysterious black glob. Moving one arm up and down like a tiny broken windmill he noticed how the glob copied him exactly. He became giddy and started jumping up and down, following his shadow with his eyes. According to Jim McClusky, the telephone-line repairman for the Crandle’s subdivision, Billy then lost interest by 10:14 am, only three minutes after his miniature decrepit windmill impersonation began.

Job Search Postponed For Bear Hunt

2008-12-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

Brian Malloy has reluctantly stopped searching for a job to assist the townsfolk in capturing a renegade grizzly bear. Koolie The Bear escaped the Twin Cherries Circus Thursday night after a nine pm performance. According to Benjamin Fountleroy, Koolie’s handler, the nine-foot animal was “aggravated” by some teenagers fighting their shadows on the back wall of the tent. “Koolie seemed very disturbed by such small creatures having so much courage against such large creatures. And really, who can blame him, what kind of moron picks on his own shadow?”

Brian says, that this bear hunt couldn’t have come at a better time, “thank g-d bears are so dumb and vicious, I was getting a bit fed up with all the resume formats.” Brian does not totally agree with the mob’s vision however, which is to find the bear and then beat it ‘like it was our own useless good-for-nothing shadows.’

CONsignment

2008-10-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of groups being blamed for the current credit collapse : The government didn't regulate enough, the traders were too risky, the consumers were ignorant. Well one group evading the harsh steady-eyed criticism of Anderson Jones and the like are consignment shops. What do consignment shops have to do with the the state of our finances? Oh, I'm not really sure, only like everything (patronizing tone).

To see how they are to blame you have to see how they benefit, their motive. What happens when someone defaults on their mortgage? Where does the furniture go? I think you already know Einstein. Secondly, where do people shop when they're hard up for cash? You starting to pick it up yet, moron? What, you're sick of me talking down to you (aggresive tone) ? You have enough to worry about with losing your retirement account and stubbing your toe on the coffee table you don't even like, without some punk being a jerk via a fake article?

Well guess what? This is exactly how the CEOs of Salvation Army, Value Village and all the other corporate jerks want you to feel. They want you to turn on me and all the others trying to educate in an obnoxious manner to get you idiots to finally wake up.

Conversation Rescued From Figurative Abyss

2008-10-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

At 12:39 pm/am the conversation between Bill Bengall and Steve Eidelman was saved by a quick series of moves orchestrated by Bill and Steve. From 12:31 to 12:36 the conversation progressed smoothly with each member smiling at least three times and Steve showing off those prestigious dimples like he does. At that point, however, there was a lull, which turned into a pause, which progressed back into a lull. The conversation was falling faster than the dow jones of America when the two seasoned conversers grabbed their conversing paddles, defying conversation physics to bring the conversation back to the surface of conversation land.

Two hours later Steve punched a kitten.

Volunteer Extending for Back-up Regional Manager Emails

2008-01-30T16:45:00.001-08:00

Edward C. Billiams isn't going home for a while. Why? Simply because there is always someone behind someone who is there. He likes that security, digressing, "sometimes its Kate Kochesburger, sometimes its Lani, sometimes its Lynn Vista, it doesn't really matter, all that matters is that its always someone, always someone."

What gives Edward this sense of security? Emails. A constant, never-ending, unrelenting stream of electronic mail. "I don't ever write it down, but I always make a mental note who the week's BRM is, and having that mental note, cuts my tylenol pm intake down 20 to 25% I'd say."

Continuing, "you know, I was sorta on the fence about extending, but the other day it just hit me. I guess you could call it an epiphany moment, I won't because I'm not that pompous, but if you want to, sure, do it. When else am I gonna be in a work environment with this kind of attention to back-ups? The truth is I don't know as I've never really been in another work environment, but I'm not about to take my chances."

Mr. Billiams is a fan of backups in all walks of life, having loved how the pitcher would back-up the catcher on throws from the outfield during little league. What grace he would think, while occasionally neglecting his duty as third-baseman to cover his bag.

Filipina Sets Record

2008-01-29T17:48:00.000-08:00

Rosa Patron, 32 of Bula, Camarines Sur, Set the world record for smallest distance between stops on a public transportation vehicle on January 5, 2008. Mrs. Patron, mother of 8, broke the previous record of 2’2” held by Jim McKlusky of Neck Creek, Idaho when she got out of a Jeepney only 1’7” past the previous stop (the request to “para” was made at 1’2” but the driver took nearly half a foot to turn her wish into a reality).

Mr. McKlusky was gracious in defeat, especially considering it’s the only thing he’s ever won, “I tip my hat to her man, you know, not a lot of people have the gumption and laziness for that kinda move. Darn, I thought I was the best, the most gumption and laze-filled being to ever ride public transportation. Ah well, there’s always yelling at the birds in the park, no foreigner can take that away.”

At her award ceremony, January 18th, Mrs. Patron thanked her husband and the Catholic Church for “keeping me always pregnant and therefore unable to walk long distances.”

Young Woman Not Admitting Defeat

2008-01-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

Maria Corazon, 15, of Bato Camarines Norte, Philippines, refuses to admit that she is now “it.” Having started a game of hide and seek with The Sun four years ago she has taken every precaution since to avoid it.

“When I was eleven I realized I wanted to be beautiful like Julia Roberts, not dark like the woman who owns the tindahan on my street. Since then I have been able to sneakily circumvent The Sun by moving in others’ shadows, other times distracting it by pretending to throw a tennis ball. Different stuff.”

Maria slipped up last Tuesday at 2pm when she went outside to see her crush Willy Santiago walk down the street in his casual manner, which implies, look at me, don’t look at me, whatever, I’m just doing my thing.

Maria, however, refuses to admit to any B12 in her system, “look at me, I’m as white an angel in a blizzard. And I’m gonna stay that way even if it means only seeing Willy’s nonchalant strut when I happen to be sitting near the window. Yeah, I’ll just stay by the window. I’ll just have to buy that anti-reflection stuff they have in Phil-Cabs. This interview has really helped me sort some stuff out. Thanks.”

Maria might be “it,” but you’ve got to hand it to her, she sure knows how to evade direct questions.

Psychic Dick

2008-01-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

Billy McCormick will be returning to Tallahassee in five months from Peace Corps Philippines. But Billy has a secret, once he’s home he won’t call, text, email, or walkie-talkie with any other volunteers. How does Billy know this? He recently noticed he can see his future.

“It started about a year ago, right around the time of my brother’s wedding. Out of nowhere, I suddenly realized that not only would I not be attending the wedding, I would be giving a shitty gift as well.

Billy continued, “Then three months ago I got another vision. I was on a padyak and saw my knee bending, my foot extending and then connecting with the head of a baby…statue. Well I’ll be a chicken’s weird looking foot if I didn’t find a statue of a baby later that month and kick the shit out of it. Explain that skeptics!”

Volunteer Awarded Alliterative Honor

2008-01-10T00:11:00.000-08:00

Keith Solle of Laguna was presented with the "Most Fucked Up Feet in the Philippines" last monday evening at a lovely soiree held by the American Embassy.

"Every few years someone comes by with feet that look like they were stepped on by Godzilla after a hearty meal. As long as that person is an American national, we are more than happy to wipe the dust from our cocktail jackets and get crunk." Said Brian Camden, the Chairman of the US Embassy Club to Keep Embassy People Busy While Rejecting Filipino Visa Applications.

Keith's feet, or pedisii in the Latin, have multiple bruises on the insoles, most likely from Jean Claude Van Damme Style Mui Thai training. His toenails bring to mind the broken glass windown from the Ferris Bueler's Day Off after the famous Ferrari fiasco. Lastly, his feet are somewhat flatter than average, which isn't that bad, but coupled with the other stuff, managed to put him over the top.

At his 25 minute acceptance speech, Mr. Solle remarked, "are there any more pigs in a blanket?" He said other stuff too, but nothing really stuck.

Volunteer Wonders Where Toothpick Came From

2008-01-10T00:08:00.000-08:00

Garry Simmons, 33, from Tempe Arizona noticed last wednesday night at 7:52pm that there was a toothpick in his mouth. He was reported by a psycic gecko to have thought, hey thats weird, where did this toothpick come from? He then put it out of his mind, keeping the toothpick in between his 5th and 6th bicuspids as is his custom.

Volunteer Breaks Up With Television

2008-01-09T23:30:00.000-08:00

Education volunteer Billy Sedonis, 24, dumped his 21'' Samsung last Tuesday morn. "We've really just grown apart. I've gotten into paper wood carving and hermaphrodite people watching, and my cable service just doesn't allow us to share those things." Said Billy.

"Oh man, I remember when we started seeing each other, everything was so 2 dimensional. A total mind-blow. But now its like, turn me on, turn me on. What about my electrical power needs?" Continued Billy.

Mr. Sedonis and the 21'' Samsung don't spend as much time together anymore due to Mr. Sedonis' strange new fascinations, though he claims the heat was gone before he joined PWCNLT, Paper Wood Carvers Need Love Too, or HWLT, Hermaphrodites Want Love Two.

Whatever the cause, new hobbies or global warming, one things for sure, Billys gotta find a new place to the the boob from the phrase boob-tube. The tube too for that matter.

Criminal Mastermimes

2007-12-22T18:11:00.000-08:00

Worldwide Constable Jeffrey Atkins isn’t sleeping well these days. What’s keeping him up you may ask to yourself? Illegal Miming. Yes, the newest threat to peace and stability is the 2,000 year old art of mute theatre.

Gangs of white-faced ruffians cruise streets of Latin American and Alaskan villages preying on those unaccustomed to the French and Greek-inspired drama. Staging hold-ups, assault and even rape, the thugs are able to inflict immense amounts of harm with small amounts of materials.

The strangest illicit act as of yet reported happened in the town of Guadalajara, Mexico, where a young and talented mime convinced an adolescent boy that he had taken away the bread the boy was holding, and then commenced to butter it. The boy could see the butter-less bread still in his hand, yet the performance was so convincing, he got sick from lactose intolerance upon eating the bread.

Attny Juan Jimenez of the Mexico City Bar Association says, “We are at least a decade away from even having the necessary statutes in place to prosecute these delinquent followers of Marcel Marceau, so my advice is, just go nuts on them you know?” Esquire Jimenez went on, “Though be careful not to mess ‘The Crow’ followers, those guys are by and large, pretty good guys.”

Studies conducted by Constable Atkins imply that if mime simulation is unavailable due to a dirge of white face paint, charades acts as a modestly acceptable preventable measure. Without such steps, your car could easily be pulled by a man with an invisible lasso.

Jackson Browne Arrested For Heroin Use

2007-10-15T05:06:00.000-07:00

San Diegian police arrested Jackson Browne of 70’s acoustic rock acclaim on a tip from Jackson Browne himself. Officer Billy Dee Williams spotted the confession while listening to Carmelita by Warren Zevon and Jackson Browne.
Says Mr. Dee Williams, “that Jackson Browne is really dumb, he just went out and confessed right there in a song, that was being recorded for that matter, and then distributed widely enough for policemen to hear it. Get it together Jackie. I guess he was high, I mean that’s the only thing I could come up with.”
Asked why only Jackson Browne and not Warren Zevon was arrested, Chief of Police Bill Gundrickson replied, “2 reasons, a) only Mr. Browne was singing in an autobiographical tone, and 2) It has come to my attention that Warren Zevon is dead, so a felony drug charge seemed like insult to injury.
Jackson Browne is reportedly excited for the publicity (it should be noted that it is I who is reporting that).

Enlightened Parenting

2007-10-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

Ruth Gundrickson, 32, made fun of her daughter, Suzie Gundrickson-McShane, last Wednesday evening. When the 6 year old told her she couldn’t sleep as she was afraid of the dark, Ruth replied, “That’s funny cuz I’m afraid of having a daughter who can’t spend five minutes with her own thoughts.”
Ruth was a bit surprised herself at her facetious comment, yet couldn’t help being a bit giddy. Explaining later, “It’s pretty amazing to make fun of someone who has not even a fetus of a reply. Sure, now I’m as lonely as I always am, but for those thirty to forty-five seconds I really felt alive.”

What if Superman was a Peace Corps Philippines Volunteer

2007-10-15T05:01:00.000-07:00

I recently watched Superman Returns and pondered how Superman would act if he were in my sandals. I will assume you have seen the movie, as there are only so many times you can watch Poseidon, and movies are mad cheap. As a fun game, try to find all the Peace Corps buzzwords.
Someone needs to explain “sustainable” to Superman. The dude isn’t always gonna be there when a plane needs to be caught in the middle of a baseball diamond. Maybe he should transfer the technology (wink wink) by starting a combined weight lifting/ sky diving program.
I mean what if that kryptonite spear had gone another half-inch? Who would take over Superman’s living-wage campaign for the custodial staff at The University of Washington? Who would continue the Pili Nut craft project he’s started at Nuevas Caseras in Naga? Not you, don’t even think about it. You don’t have the first-hand knowledge of the nut, matched with an understanding of export-marketing, and what merriendas generate the greatest hand-eye coordination. So stop acting like you do. Nobody else does either, because The Man of Steel is too busy gelling his hair to worry about empowerment building.
I wonder how well Clarky-boy would do in a Phil-cab. He doesn’t seem so good at waiting. He’d probably flip out after 25 minutes of sitting in the terminal, his huge thighs cramping from the tight fit, and his neck awkwardly bent so he can fit his giant head. He’d go right through the van-ceiling, breaking Peace Corps Regulation 25: Section 4: Rule C of no self-powered flight.
I also doubt Golden-boy would do very well with a case of the runs. I mean first he’s gotta get his daisy dukes off, then that skin tight body suit. I can just see him, suit crumpled in a ball on the piss-soaked ground, cursing for not bringing any T.P. in his boot.
So while you may be able to lift a huge rock made out of crystals with kryptonite in your kidney Super-loser, I bet you couldn’t work with a Filipino counterpart to run a recycling-livelihood program that will continue once you go back to Metropolis. Yeah, I can’t either, but maybe one day…

Real Diplomacy: Real Madrid Beats Palestinian-Israeli Team 8-0

2007-10-05T02:02:00.000-07:00

Real Madrid walloped the hodgepodge group of feuding nationalities while trying to show solidarity towards the peace process. Manchester United was asked first to play in this historic match, but the England based soccer club is in favor of religious hatred so it politely declined. “Peace is the number two priority of Real Madrid, right between ticket and jersey sales, so we jumped at the chance to end fighting along the Gaza Strip,” mumbled Real Madrid Water-boy Chalolo Guiterrez.

“As I’m sure Chalolo already told you, our team is real into peace, so before the game we all decided to go easy on the Palestinian-Israeli team, and even let them get the first goal. We knew that if they won, or even made it respectable, the peace process could recover at least to where it was before Rabin’s death,” Screamed Real Madrid Captain Jose Martinez Enscado.

Once action ensued, however, Captain Enscado and his teammates could not help destroying the goodwill team of players from different religious backgrounds, scoring 5 goals in the first 13 minutes. The only reason the game was as close as it was is that Chalolo put amoebas in the water, trying to rally the team with greater difference in its conception of g-d. Unfortunately for the Palestinian-Israeli team, Real Madrid guessed at Chalolo’s treachery and was able to install a BioSand Water Filter before all its players fell ill.

“If only we weren’t so damn good at soccer, we really could have done something worthwhile in that game,” spoke a tear-laden Enscado. Adding, “Bahala na.”

Things I've Learned in Peace Corps

2007-10-05T01:44:00.000-07:00

      Existentialism is not a good philosophy for learning a language.
Very few Filipinos follow the NHL. 
Ronin is better with subtitles.
GDP (Gross Domestic Product)/Capita  may be lower here, but QCW (Quality Crypt-Walking)/Capita is higher.
(Borat accent) High fiving is nice.
Jeans are acceptable swimwear.
Giggling  is an acceptable answer.
Jumping rope, if it happens in my town at all,  is done behind closed doors.
Some rich people are so lazy they get droopy  faces, presumably, from not making expressions.
Judaism is considered  by some the lazy man's Christianity as “they don't finish the book.”
   

Alternate Lottery Won by Non-Gambler

2007-10-05T01:42:00.000-07:00

Jim Strumilski, a 46 year old carpenter won the “smart-man’s lottery,” also known as nothing Tuesday, September 18^th. Having never played the lottery Jim was one of over 500 million entrants in the unlottery lottery. Analysts estimate that Jim has saved between $12-15,000 based on his race, sexual inclination, age he lost his virginity, shoe size and computer monitor brand.

Upon hearing he saved all this money Jim responded, “I’ve always thought of myself as a lucky guy, but this… I just thank the lord for the 7,000 days or so I never felt the need to aggrandize the telephone number of my sister or the number of testicles that I have, which is 2 by the way, by assuming they are burning bushes sent to allow my dream of an indoor mini-golf course to come to fruition.

In addition to the cash-money Jim also received gallons of figurative lost hope, which he has mostly used up on his unreciprocated feelings toward Colgate brand toothpaste.

Accountant Goes Straight to the Pros

2007-10-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

Alex Samuelson has opted to forgo college  for the Big Time; he’ll be starting at PricewaterhouseCoopers in the  fall. “This is my chance to shine,” Samuelson told his aunt Maxine  over a pot-roast in his parents home last Tuesday night. He will be  going straight to the middle as a (insert job title in middle of accounting  firm), making in the vicinity of $42,000 a year.

Alex says he’s ready after doing a  Quicken workshop with some college accountants from Bentley and Arkansas  Tech. “Some of those guys didn’t know the first thing about Quicken.  I saw whole booklets with 2 or 3 categories, and a lot of the abbreviation  was quite sloppy as well. In their defense there was some real pressure  with all those executives looking over our shoulders.”
Asked if the decision to skip college  was hard, Alex non-sarcastically replied, “Sure I’ll miss out on  some parties, and business schools do tend to party relatively hard,  at least compared to say, schools for the deaf. But Coopers can throw  it down from what I saw during my visit, so my opportunity cost is not  very high.”
Alex’s immediate boss, Mr. Karl Hendrickson,  likes what he’s getting in the young accountant. “Sure he’s not  as polished as most college accountants, but when it comes down to the  skills: Ambi keyboarding, adding, and excel mastery Alex is prepared  for the jump. On a side note I’ll also say I’m impressed at how  bad of a dancer he is for such a young guy.”
With his $1,500 signing bonus Alex is  planning to buy his mother an LL Bean hammock and some new sweaters  for himself.

Drum Solo Goes Unnoticed

2007-10-05T01:38:00.000-07:00

Volunteer Angel Cabrera performed a flawless virtual drum solo to Stairway to Heaven at 9:53-56pm, July 2. Sitting next to his middle-aged magic sing compadre, whose name he never remembers, he totally nailed the drum solo right before Stairway starts getting fast. You know what I’m talking about. Yeah you do. YEAH YOU DO. His companion was not looking as his seat on the couch made it awkward to glance over and had no idea of Small Business Livelihood Extensionist Cabrera’s unbelievable soundless mimic of Led Zeppelin’s drummer.

Swiss Alps is the 9th Wonder of the World, Sweden Declares

2007-10-05T01:37:00.000-07:00

In a move that can only be  called pointless the government of Sweden has declared the Swiss Alps  to be the 9th wonder of the world. The announcement was made  by Brontius Jorgennson, head of the Environmental Protection Agency  of Sweden, or the Aarchtinson Ralin Agency as it is referred to as in  Swiss.
During the 28 minute speech  Mr. Jorgennson stated that the agency chose the 9th as opposed  to the customary 8th as he felt “it would be less contested.”  Going on to remark, “I’d be lying if I said there have been a lot  of late nights and heated discussion about this. It really just came  to me while I was sharpening a pencil. Then I called this press conference.  I was just sorta curious if anyone would show up. I mean sometimes I  wonder if anyone outside Europe has even heard of the Aarchtinson  Ralin Agency. Anyway, you guys came.”
Brontius was later heard remarking  to a colleague that he hopes the world press will come again if he has  another announcement, and that he fears he will be the “boy who cried  wolf of press conferences.” 

PCV Self-Rationalizes Asian Fetish

2007-10-01T04:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah,  I only find Asian girls attractive, but that does not mean something’s  wrong with me. I’ve been in Asia for a couple years now, its natural  to adapt. That’s what humans do, adapt. Plus, what about racism?
      I’m  totally against it! I joined the Peace Corps, that should give you a  little hint to how I feel about racism. The answer is so easy; the races  just need to interbreed. That must be why I’m so into Asian women,  my hatred of racism.
      And  sure, some of them don’t have large asses or breasts, that doesn’t  make me a closet homosexual pedophile, not even close. I’ve  tried jerking off to boys as a test, remember? Nothing. So that’s  not what this is about. 
      It’s  just because that’s what I see everyday. Isn’t that what people  say, “if you only had one kind of cereal everyday you’d learn to  love it so you didn’t starve or have to choose a new breakfast food”?  No, that doesn’t sound right.
      What  was I saying? I wonder why “Caucasian” has Asian in it. Does that  mean white people are originally from Asia?

Volunteer Wonders If He Masturbated Unfaithfully

2007-10-01T04:45:00.000-07:00

Peace Corps Philippines volunteer, Ned Ryerson, 25 had “a brief tinge of guilt,” last Tuesday after successfully ejaculating.

“I kinda felt bad that the majority of my fantasy involved my girlfriend’s close friend Susan.” Adding later, “it started out nice enough, looking at an old picture of Barbara and I at the beach, but soon enough, there’s Susan coming into the mix.” Maybe its better if I stick to Carmen Electra, the old stand-by.”

Peace Corps Couple Moves into Former Sugar Plantation Mansion

2007-10-01T04:44:00.001-07:00

Dirk “McGirk” and Hailey Jameson from Southern Texas left the home of their host family, the Areljetas, Wednesday, October 4 for their new dwelling. “It was really great living with the Areljetas,” said Dirk. “I mean the kids were so much fun, and they were always helping us out. Like the time that spider fell into Hailey’s mouth while she was sleeping. Remember, honey? Yeah you do. I guess we just felt like we needed a little more room.”

The Jameson’s new house, or more accurately, estate, is located just 8km east of their site in Ifagau, Northern Luzon. Asked about her new place of residence, Hailey was a bit defensive, “I mean yeah its got 3 swimming pools, but its friggin hot here. I mean what am I supposed to do, this place is cheap as balls. 18,000 Pesos, that’s like $300 or somthin’. Its not like we’re fresh outta school here, I was an assistant manager at Express for Men and Dirky got unemployment for a while. Off that alone we live like friggin royalty.”

The mansion was the main house for a sugarcane plantation of 650 acres. After a drop in the price of sugar in the early 1930’s due to the influx of Caribbean suppliers such as Cuba, the fields fell into disrepair. The house, however, cared for by the original land-owning “familia”, The Colegios, is still in good shape. The patriarch, “Lolo” Carlos Colegio could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly enjoying and cursing at a coca-cola bottle.

Asked if he was worried that Peace Corps would not approve of his new lodging, Dirk replied, “I’ve wanted to live in a former feudal estate since I was laid off from Discovery Zone and I really don’t think Peace Corps wants to see Dirk McGirk disappointed.” Later adding, mostly to himself, “cuz when I get disappointed I get angry and when I get angry, I get sullen and withdrawn, and that’s not good for cultural integration.”

Volunteer Exhausted After Monthly Call-In

2007-10-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

This month’s monthly call-in really “took it out of” Kristina Ribeiro, a 28 year old environmental volunteer from Walla Walla, Washington. “Never mind all the prep work, setting the reminder in my phone, making sure I have an appropriate outfit picked out, and so on. The call alone left me winded, ya know?”

Asked to elaborate, Kristina gave an exasperated sigh and said, “well I looked up Mary’s number on the laminated card, that has like 50 different numbers on it, then dialed the hundred or so digits, and that’s just the beginning. Of course Mary wants to know how things are going at site, and its like, come on…, ya know? So finally, just when I think this nightmare is over, she innocently says, “Oh, I think Manny wants to talk to you about a package you received, do you want me to transfer you?” Like I’m even a little bit prepared for that conversation, jeez.”

Mrs. Ribeiro took the rest of the day off after the 3 minute and 45 second phone call.

10 Things Not to Say to Your Girlfriend Back Home

2007-10-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

     I think we should stay together.
Talking to you on the phone,  it sounds like you’ve gained weight. 
The women here have great  asses, (Incredulous tone) like you wouldn’t believe. 
Can you send me porno? My  mom has moral qualms with it.
Do you feel bad about  yourself because I doing something so much more important than         you?
I’m so glad I came  here instead of staying with you in America. I’m having such a better          time than I ever did with you.
You may have turned me gay.  Don’t tell my girlfriend here though.
Do you think its wrong  to marry someone when all they want is citizenship, just because         they’ll  sleep with you if you do it?
Do you really think I  give a shit that your mom is worried about me? It just makes me                 feel  guilty because I never think about her.
Here’s the address of my new blog.
            

Bicol Volunteer Attempts to Get a Nickname

2007-10-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

Dave Shmidt has decided that he wants one of his Filipino office-mates to give him the nickname Schmitty. Now that he has given up being a DJ he feels he has plenty of time to dedicate himself to getting a nickname. “For the last few years I’ve thought Schmitty would be a cool nickname. It sounds sorta Irish, plus it rhymes with titty.”

Dave doesn’t yet know how exactly he can trick someone into giving him the nickname, but he is adamant that it must seem like it came from someone else. “I mean how lame will that seem, giving myself a nickname? No, its gotta seem organic.”

His first idea is to anonymously change his last name on an office memo. If that doesn’t work however, Dave isn’t about to pack it in, “I was born with the opportunity for a really kick-ass nickname, and I’m not about to let another chance pass me by.”

Southern Luzon Volunteer Gives up Plan of Working at Local Radio Station

2007-10-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

Dave Schmidt, stationed eight hours south of Manila, decided yesterday to stop thinking about possibly working at his local radio station, 103.9. Upon seeing the radio station during site visit Dave had a burst of enthusiasm planning to fulfill what he considers a missed opportunity in college. “I was gonna do it at school, but there was this six hour training and I mean who has the time?” David believes he has good taste in music and thinks it would be beneficial to his new community to share his love of semi-mainstream hip hop and Bob Dylan.

During his second week at site he visited the station and expressed his desire to “be a part of the team” and “help-out for free” to the DJ. Dave felt the DJ did not fully grasp what he was saying, or he would have been much more excited.

He never again stopped on his work to Centro, but for over two months was not ready to give up the possibility. “It would be pretty cool, or at least something my friends back home would think is interesting. I’ll probably still have moments where I’ll wonder if it would have helped my image, but hey, I’m in the Peace Corps, I don’t care about that stuff.”

His community seemed unchanged by his decision.

Not All Fun & Games

2007-10-01T04:18:00.000-07:00

I’m sure many people think Peace Corps is easy. Hell, before I flew to Detroit my friend said, “Why don’t you get real job Brian?”

What my friend, who doesn’t know my real name, and doubtlessly many others fail to get is that Peace Corps is friggin’¹ hard. To prove this I will share a true story from my time in country so far.

I love movies. So naturally I was thrilled to learn about 8 in 1s. For those who don’t know already, 8 in 1s are 2.666666 times better than 3 in 1s and those things are friggin’ good.

Over the last few months I have garnered a solid understanding of the pirated movie scene in my province, as well as a familiarity with many of the compilations.

Lord knows I have vacillated quite a bit on one particular 8 in 1, Nicholas Cage. I tried putting it to my test, 3 very good, 1 good, and a wildcard, but he just doesn’t fit in the rubric. Look at the titles: Wild at Heart, Leaving Las Vegas, The Cotton Club, Matchstick Men, The Weather Man, and Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (a double). In my mind that’s 1 very good, Matchstick Men, 1 good, Leaving Las Vegas, 4 wildcards and Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. So the question is, does 3 wildcards equal 2 very goods? I think not even Robert Deniro could answer that.

I won’t tell you if I bought the DVD because that’s not the point of this article, and I want to come off as mysterious. The point is that just because we PCVs may not have jobs or personal relationships, does not mean we don’t face tough choices.

PS. Anyone who wishes to discuss either my rubric or how the Nicholas Cage 8 in 1 fared on it is invited to engage me is such debate.

1- When I was 13 my father explained to me that friggin means to finger a woman and it turns out he was right as I looked it up in the dictionary last weekend. You have to read between the lines a bit, but its there.